She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
