I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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