After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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