We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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