dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
