Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
