So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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