I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
