No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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