No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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