Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
