1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize