I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
