Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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