Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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