in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
