I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
