Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
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