i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
