I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
