my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
