shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
