i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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