If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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