We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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