I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize