two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
