Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
