I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize