i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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