Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
