just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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