Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
