I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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