Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
