tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
