The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
