I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
