god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
