Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
