Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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