i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
