you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
We smell like vodka and hangover
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