six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
