hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
