If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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