I just made out with a guy for $7.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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