I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
