Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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