At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
