im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
