he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
