good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
