The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
