I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
tequila makes me forget i have legs
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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