so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize