She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
