why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
