Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
